Control Freak

Dealing with the emotional, financial, and physical stress that comes with infertility can be difficult.  Sometimes I look back at my week and realize I have taken a bath every night! Add in the fact that I'm a Class A control freak  - you can imagine the level of anxiety infertility gives.  I mean it basically tells me on a monthly basis, "Nice try planning ahead for children, you don't even have control over your own body." While I've come to recognize this lack of control and am trying to learn to let go, there are certain experiences that make that harder than others. 

Exhibit A: The Cyst

We recently began seeing a new doctor to start down the road of in-utero treatments (or artificial insemination).  This process, as I understand it, is as follows: period starts, trans-vaginal ultrasound to check for potential problems, medically induce ovulation, trans-vaginal ultrasound to check for follicles, spin/clean/shoot sperm into baby box, try to keep stress level below maniac until you can take a pregnancy test.  Due to time that you can and can't be on certain medications, we had planned to run one cycle of in-utero in June and then take a much needed vacation before starting back up in August (should the June cycle not take).  In the weeks approaching the initial ultrasound I was fairly nervous but uncharacteristically excited for my period to start - a feeling that I hadn't felt for over 2 years.  Finally it started and I went in.  A trans-vaginal ultrasound is about as enjoyable as it sounds but I came out of it hopeful for the news.  I got the phone call from my doctors office the next day and they told me that I had a complex cyst on my ovary that we needed to shrink with meds before we could begin treatment - in other words, no treatment until August. 

Once I stopped crying and reached a state when my brain was able to process logic again, I recognized how minor my problem was.  I could have been told that I had multiple cysts or a cancerous growth or that all my eggs had shriveled up and died years ago.  So what was I so mad about? It was all about control.  I had taken ownership of these treatments and had come to expect that they would proceed as planned and my body had once again ripped the rug right out from under me. 

It would be really great if at this point in the blog I was able to lay out for you the impressive way that I rid myself of my need for control and have found peace with my body's malfunctions. Spoiler alert - I haven't. But I am currently working on this...

I doubt I'll stop being disappointed, that is one expectation I don't have, but I'm going to try and be better at accepting the roadblocks.  I'll let you know how it goes.