Time FLIES When You're Infertile

WHAT!?! How did it get to be December!? Just yesterday it was grab a light jacket season and now I've already busted out the long johns.  Unfortunately we haven't seen any success in the way of adding another member to our family and I am constantly amazed at the way time seems to be slipping through my fingers. I turned 31 in November and always thought I'd be wrapping up my child bearing years by now.  It's not easy to remember that I'm still young - it just takes one Google search to become convinced that after 30 your eggs dry up and one might as well resign oneself to a life of knitting.  It's hard to believe that we've been trying for 3 years and still have no inkling as to what's broken.  Sure we've toyed with hormones and they say I need to gain 10 lbs but given the amount of medicine I'm taking and the amount of calories I'm consuming I can't help but think that my body's building blocks are living in a euphoric party state. 

So how do you wait?  How do you deal with the monthly roller coaster?  How do you stay positive? I can't say I have a good answer but a conversation with my sister, Allison, has given me has given me hope.  It seems we simultaneously came up with service ideas.  I - to make baby blankets for foster children and she - to make menstruation kits for young girls in Africa.  As I've been pondering this coincidence of inspiration I couldn't help thinking of the scripture in Matthew 16:25 "For whosoever will save his life shall lose it; and whosoever will lose his life for my sake shall find it".  It is hard not to feel as though I keep waiting for "life" to happen in the sense of having children and the longer I wait the quicker it seems to pass.   So Alli and I committed to helping each other with our individual service projects and I am hopeful that through losing myself in the service of others I can find purpose and peace in the absence of what I truly want most. 

Control Freak

Dealing with the emotional, financial, and physical stress that comes with infertility can be difficult.  Sometimes I look back at my week and realize I have taken a bath every night! Add in the fact that I'm a Class A control freak  - you can imagine the level of anxiety infertility gives.  I mean it basically tells me on a monthly basis, "Nice try planning ahead for children, you don't even have control over your own body." While I've come to recognize this lack of control and am trying to learn to let go, there are certain experiences that make that harder than others. 

Exhibit A: The Cyst

We recently began seeing a new doctor to start down the road of in-utero treatments (or artificial insemination).  This process, as I understand it, is as follows: period starts, trans-vaginal ultrasound to check for potential problems, medically induce ovulation, trans-vaginal ultrasound to check for follicles, spin/clean/shoot sperm into baby box, try to keep stress level below maniac until you can take a pregnancy test.  Due to time that you can and can't be on certain medications, we had planned to run one cycle of in-utero in June and then take a much needed vacation before starting back up in August (should the June cycle not take).  In the weeks approaching the initial ultrasound I was fairly nervous but uncharacteristically excited for my period to start - a feeling that I hadn't felt for over 2 years.  Finally it started and I went in.  A trans-vaginal ultrasound is about as enjoyable as it sounds but I came out of it hopeful for the news.  I got the phone call from my doctors office the next day and they told me that I had a complex cyst on my ovary that we needed to shrink with meds before we could begin treatment - in other words, no treatment until August. 

Once I stopped crying and reached a state when my brain was able to process logic again, I recognized how minor my problem was.  I could have been told that I had multiple cysts or a cancerous growth or that all my eggs had shriveled up and died years ago.  So what was I so mad about? It was all about control.  I had taken ownership of these treatments and had come to expect that they would proceed as planned and my body had once again ripped the rug right out from under me. 

It would be really great if at this point in the blog I was able to lay out for you the impressive way that I rid myself of my need for control and have found peace with my body's malfunctions. Spoiler alert - I haven't. But I am currently working on this...

I doubt I'll stop being disappointed, that is one expectation I don't have, but I'm going to try and be better at accepting the roadblocks.  I'll let you know how it goes.

"Be Still"

When I was on my mission I fell in love with Peter.  I just related to him in my passionate spurts of spiritual devotion and in my shaky moments of question and doubt.  While it’s hard to pick a favorite story about Peter, I find that I reflect often on the story of when Peter walked on the water to Jesus.  I think of how many times I have felt that I’ve leapt off the side of the boat and walked confidently through the waves towards my Savior – thinking to myself, yes this trial is hard but I know my Savior is there for me.  And then a trial hits that causes me to see “the wind boisterous” and I, just as Peter, let fear overpower my faith, take my eyes off the Savior, and begin to sink.  I get caught up in the 2 a.m. thought frenzy of “why wouldn’t God want me to have children” or the judgmental Wal-mart rage of  “why do they get to have children” or the overwhelming sadness and plain old jealousy when I see someone with a baby.  But it is in these times that I try and remember Peter. 

            But when he saw the wind boisterous, he was afraid; and beginning to sink, he cried, saying, Lord, save me.

I know that the heartache we all feel can only be understood by our Savior but as I become better at recognizing when I’m sinking and pray for his help, I have found, just as Peter, that he immediately picks me up and calms my heart.

I can’t tell you how many times I’ve read Jeffrey R. Holland’s talk “An High Priest of Good Things to Come”.  It always makes me feel better when I get the part of, “No, Christ knows better than all others that the trials of life can be very deep and we are not shallow people if we struggle with them.” I always think – oh phew, an apostle just told me it’s ok that I’m struggling. But remember that we are not out there alone, just as Elder Holland says – “He was out there on the water also, that He faced the worst of it right along with the newest and youngest and most fearful. Only one who has fought against those ominous waves is justified in telling us—as well as the sea—to ‘be still’.”

Mother's Day Reflection

It seems obvious to those of us who struggle with infertility that Mother's Day is difficult.  Before beginning our journey towards having children, Aaron use to joke that he didn't have to worry about Mother's Day because I'm "not a mother yet".  Needless to say, he's become a bit more aware of Mother's Day and the emotional state it tends to bring.  Fortunately this year we were able to spend Mother's Day with my family and it helped me realize a few things:

A) While I may not be a biological mother, I can have a lasting "motherly" influence on my nieces and nephews.  I have a wonderfully large immediate and in-law family and to date have 19 beautiful littles that I get to influence.  On Mother's Day, in what I can only attribute to divine inspiration, my sister Tracy asked me take her 18 month old, Jett, on a walk to see some of the new baby animals on the family farm.  This beautiful baby, who had wanted nothing to do with me for the last two days, was now willing to hold my hand, jabber with me incessantly, and lovingly giggle at everything I pointed out.  I realized that my sphere of influence on the future generations doesn't stop because I don't have children of my own - it continues to grow with each beautiful baby born.

B) One thing that I seem to have in abundance is time to think.  Sometimes it's a good thing, like when it produces results like the following epiphany, and sometimes it sucks, like when I wake my husband at 2 in the morning to discuss the pros and cons of foreign vs. domestic adoption.  Call it fate but due to weather delays, incompetent airline employees, and our general inability to spend extra money - we recently ended up sleeping in the Minneapolis airport.  Needless to say I did a little sleeping and a lot of thinking.  As I listened to the buzz of the moving sidewalk and looked at Aaron frustratingly snoozing it away next to me I realized that I have it all right now.  I have a husband that loves and supports me no matter what - which is kind of a big deal because let's face it, I get crazy sometimes. We have families that will do anything for us. We have jobs and a home and friends and our health.  Too often I view our lack of children as a hole in our lives that will only be filled with said children. But as I lay on the foam pad in terminal A10 I realized that nothing is missing.  My life and my family is 100% complete and when we have children it will not fill a hole but add to the compete happiness we now enjoy. 

So happy Mother's Day - this year it is easier to say.  Hopefully it continues to be easier as I continue to recognize my abilities to positively impact others and how amazingly blessed I already am. 

Yes, this is another infertility blog...

 

I know, I know - there is nothing creative or unique about starting a blog documenting one's journey through the haunted roller coaster that is infertility.  But guess what - I'm not writing this for you.  Don't get me wrong, I do have a small aspiration that my experience can bring perspective and hope to those that choose to read it, but mostly I'm writing this for the therapeutic benefits that journaling can bring.  I don’t think my journey is any different from all others who have gone through this – never would I try to convince anyone that it is – but as we’ve moved forward I have come to realize that through the ups and downs, we can find joy, we can be grateful, and we can come out stronger than we ever thought we could be.  That being said, I will not always be positive, I will not always be optimistic, and fair warning this blog will probably contain a fair amount of sarcasm.

Background

Aaron and I have been have been trying to conceive for about 3 years.  I spent the first two years in denial about our inability to get pregnant and over the last year we have been working with an OB/GYN on some preliminary steps.  We have ruled out the swimmers as the problem and are pretty sure the culprit is my baby box.  Unfortunately that means instead of trying to fix a lawn mower, we have to try and fix a Ferrari (analogy cred to Aaron).   I am currently on Clomid  - or some generic form thereof – and, obviously because I’m writing this, have yet to be successful.  The main kicker for starting this blog now is that we have an appointment tomorrow to discuss the process and options of in utero – or artificial insemination. 

Disclaimer

While I appreciate and am happy for those that have found success in a procedure or process – those who have been in my shoes will tell you that the only thing more frustrating than dealing with infertility is dealing with people giving you advice about infertility.  So A) I promise to never give advice and B) I don’t want yours.   

So enjoy - or don't, follow - or don't, either way - here we go.