WHAT!?! How did it get to be December!? Just yesterday it was grab a light jacket season and now I've already busted out the long johns. Unfortunately we haven't seen any success in the way of adding another member to our family and I am constantly amazed at the way time seems to be slipping through my fingers. I turned 31 in November and always thought I'd be wrapping up my child bearing years by now. It's not easy to remember that I'm still young - it just takes one Google search to become convinced that after 30 your eggs dry up and one might as well resign oneself to a life of knitting. It's hard to believe that we've been trying for 3 years and still have no inkling as to what's broken. Sure we've toyed with hormones and they say I need to gain 10 lbs but given the amount of medicine I'm taking and the amount of calories I'm consuming I can't help but think that my body's building blocks are living in a euphoric party state.
So how do you wait? How do you deal with the monthly roller coaster? How do you stay positive? I can't say I have a good answer but a conversation with my sister, Allison, has given me has given me hope. It seems we simultaneously came up with service ideas. I - to make baby blankets for foster children and she - to make menstruation kits for young girls in Africa. As I've been pondering this coincidence of inspiration I couldn't help thinking of the scripture in Matthew 16:25 "For whosoever will save his life shall lose it; and whosoever will lose his life for my sake shall find it". It is hard not to feel as though I keep waiting for "life" to happen in the sense of having children and the longer I wait the quicker it seems to pass. So Alli and I committed to helping each other with our individual service projects and I am hopeful that through losing myself in the service of others I can find purpose and peace in the absence of what I truly want most.
